You Made Me Feel This Way!

How could they make me feel this way!I was sitting up late last week, after an intense conversation, based on something that had happened between me and another person. I had done and said some things after they had done and said some things... and the spiral had begun. Down into the darkness I spun, I danced, I wavered and I fell.How dare they make me feel like crap?Why do I even bother?The spiral dove deep... and then I caught it. I caught the thought, and realized that the question wasn't accurate.They did not make me feel this way.I did.My feelings are my own. He may have said certain things, or done specific behaviors. Those were his. I may have thought that those words and behaviors were inappropriate for the situation, and that they challenged my beliefs and thoughts about a number of things. But the feelings... those were based on my internal reactions to those actions and thoughts... and he did not "do" a feeling to me.This is argued in the ABC Model of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as:

• Activating Event – the actual event and the immediate interpretations of the event
• Beliefs about the event – this evaluation can be rational or irrational
• Consequences – how you feel and what you do or other thoughts

Oftentimes, I hear these sorts of words.  Even from myself.  A lot from myself. That our partners make us feel horrible. That our partners make us feel great. Neither is true.It does not matter if the feeling is positive or negative. The feeling IS. And, the feeling is ours.You did not make me feel angry. I feel angry. Note the difference.You did not make me  feel happy. I feel happy. Note the difference.And, in turn:You did not make your partner feel angry. They are angry. Note the difference.You did not make your partner feel happy. They are happy. Note the difference.Oh, did you do something that led through their thoughts, beliefs and internal systems that led to them having an emotional reaction... that may be likely. But that is not yours. That is theirs.Can you learn what their common responses are to specific inputs... that may be likely. But their emotions are still theirs.My emotions are mine.I pause on the hill. I cry.  I sit with this fact. I breathe deep. I acknowledge that I feel sorrow, anger, fear. Sorrow over words said in both directions. Anger that words were said in the first place. Fear that such things could happen again.I pause on the hill, and stare up at the stars.These emotions are mine.You did not make me feel this way.