Turn the page to a tear in the eye

I'm reading a really good book called "Becoming a Visable Man" by Jamison Green. I am only 60 pages in and I am already really damn impressed by this book- the right blend of personal FTM story and actual statistics, numbers and medical facts all in a well articulated blend.Time home as of late has been having me having some pretty serious upper body relation/dysforia issues... I keep bursting into tears, I hate this bullshit. I ended up spending quite a while on phone and chat with Hunter over a lot of this stuff, hurts that I don't feel like I can discuss it with some people who I thought I could call on in these ways. I ended up spending a good chunk of time yesterday reading, drinking, eating pizza, and meditating. I just have not been my standard functional self, and I find it really hard as my ability to be hyper-productive is something I pride myself on. I keep having friends and random folks tell me I need to slow down, but slowing down, as I have been recently, calls into question my own self worth- not what I am in the eyes of others, but in my own eyes. If I see myself as a productive person, and then I become non-productive and perhaps even counter-productive, and have issues even seeing if I can get bills paid in ways that I want- what does that make me?I have been seeing signs of a variety of paths, mine and others, everywhere. Open roads and bones. Deemons and shadows, light cast in patterns and the shape of leaves in cups. I feel like my skin is electric.So many friends lives are exploding. My own is imploding, and it is hard to know what page will turn next, what next tear will fall. It is incredibly tempting to scrap it all, start anew- but reality states otherwise. Definitions and promises mingle- what does running mean?The Furry One gets home today- I hope he and I will have chat time.