Build, release, grow
The past few weeks I feel like I have grown up and become self aware in ways I am slightly awed by.For the first time when not in an altered or hyper-conscious state this weekend, I truly bore witness to my emotions instead of letting my emotions ride me. I sat with frustration and anger and confusion and just saw them. Was not destroyed by them, wasted energy on them- just saw them, saw where they came from, and instead of letting them use me like they would in the past, burning up my energy, instead I breathed, thought, and said thank you for the lessons I had learned from what had just transpired.It was really awe inspiring for me. And even that word, awe- its not debilitating. It just is.I AM, for a moment, and the moment is lingering. Blessings that it stays. This place feels.It doesn't feel good or bad, but I'm being aware of a lot of my good and bad emotions and getting to choose which ones I ride. Ride laughter. Ride pride. Ride loneliness for a moment because I choose to feel it then let it keep existing without riding me. Ride friendship. Ride glow.Both Seattle and Vancouver this trip have held huge lessons. Tiny in many ways, but self-revealing and hugely eye opening. I can not say thank you enough.To becoming aware and giving myself permission to look at what I need and start doing my own homework.To looking at my business practices and stop fearing taxes and making money- to stop fearing financial success.To creating the people I need in my life by being myself, open, and asking for them.To breathing in, feeling Mama in my fur again, and feeling her smile.It's not been easy, that's not what I'm saying.To mis-quote Kona- I have been beautifully, tragically, stupidly, painfully, nastily, decadently, perfectly, delightfully human.I'm not perfect. None of us are. I'm perfect. All of us are.A toast to Jennifer and Jason at Libido Lounge for amazing food, rope, deep brains, business savvy, sharing truths and putting together some great classes (wow, the group of students especially for Sir Yes Sir was amazing).A toast to Professor Oni for a great ride, movie time, cuddles, laughter, understanding of my inner ear and random sleepovers.A toast to Kona, for a brain that has so many shared sides to my own, for cheap chinese and PJs, for sweaty spankings, for laughter and depth.A toast to Elayne, Arli, Mel, Inka, and all the sweaty women and transfolk at the Friday Bathhouse party, for deep thoughts, beauty, laughter, belly dancing, body painting, and convincing me to haul my ass out to women's space for the first time in many years and being welcomed in.A toast to Dani, for holding up a mirror for me and making me think about my own journey over Donair and wandering The Drive.A toast to the folks who helped out Friday when I was lost.A toast to my students here in BC, public and private- I plan to be back in the fall, and it's because YOU made me see that there are amazing minds hungry for it which feeds me so well... and a toast for the steamy cinnamon milk you bring me, yum.And a toast to my hosts, Rena, Elwood and Ryan, plus of course Sasha who still thinks I'm strange and Kila who thinks I am a salt lick, for reminding me I am loved, adored, and that we can build the world of our dreams. We have the world of our dreams, and we will cover it in Metalocalypse, Invader Zim, fancy drinks, pirates, horror films, good food, piercings, hooks, laughter, ritual, and love.I may be back very very soon, or I will be back in September/October or so... but either way, BC, I love you.