69 Lessons Learned

Having just got off the phone with a producer I had misunderstandings (now clarified and all bridges, I hope, mended) with earlier this year, I find myself thinking about some of the lessons I have learned along this journey in sex education.

1. Get it in writing. After I have phone conversations with folks, I endeavor nowadays to send a follow-up email confirming my understanding of our arrangement, and asking them to confirm or clarify it as needed.
2. When do I get paid? Before the event? When I arrive? After the event is done? I need to write an invoice after the event is done and get paid within a quarter after the event?
3. What currency am I getting paid in? Cash or check or Paypal transfer? Do I need to declare this on my taxes?
4. Exclusivity- what do you think this word means? Can I teach other topics for other groups? Can I do stuff other than teach for other groups? Or do you own my ass while I am in your area- if so, for how long? Am I getting compensated appropriate to your demands.
5. Expectations- what do you expect from me? Just the classes I am teaching? Appearance at play parties? Play at play parties (I had a producer be frustrated that I did not play in their dungeon, as they have expected that as part of me being me, me causing a spectacle/stories in their space)? Auctioned in charity fundraiser? Attending opening/closing ceremonies? Special meals? Schmoozing with folks the day(s) before/after? A meet and greet with me? Lunch with your sponsors? Performance? Mcing? Being on-site during the entire event? Participation in classes as an attendee? Ability to step-in and help with stuff as needed? DMing (if so, I am not your guy)? Event build-in/load-out?
6. What are the systems in place if I need to back out? Find my own replacement? Re-pay airfare? What is my window for back-out? What is your window for back-out? Does a producer need to pay me if they have to cancel the event? If I set aside a weekend, what compensation do I need to hold that weekend?
7. Travel- who pays for it? When does reimbursement happen? Is timing more important, or price? Am I getting paid a certain amount to get myself there, or just the ticket price? If I have two events back to back, and both are able to cover my airfare, will they get pissy if they each find out they are paying for that airfare (and I am pocketing the extra $200)?
8. Housing- where are you putting me up? As I don't drive, how am I getting around? Where is this location compared to the event? I have had events put me up at a place an hour away, and I played in dungeon until 2am and then was expected to be back at 10am... I thought I was onsite, whoops.
9. If I am traveling alone, having systems in place for mental/emotional health- especially when everyone else is partnered and I'm alone and feeling alone.
10. When do I get down time? Alone time? Time when I don't have to be “on”?
11. What politics do I need to be aware of that I am about to step in?
12. Eat healthy. Caffeine and a candy bar before a class does not help me function if I have to do more than one class/thing today.
13. Business is not an excuse not to take meds.
14. I don't have to play with them unless I want to, even if its in the contract... think creatively to get contract needs met if heart is not into it.
15. Traveling with my partner(s) sometimes spends more money than I make.
16. Budget ahead of time how much cash I can donate at the charity things- me donating sets a precedent for my students to donate, I cause positive change in the world even with just $5.
17. Don't play with the students. I know other folks who would strongly disagree with this, but after having someone in bed, mid-sex, say “I can't believe I'm in bed with THE Bridgett Harrington,” it has become a thing I've learned. I will happily pick up play partners and lovers, but from folks who have had a conversation with me as a human out of the context of me teaching or being on stage. For my mental health I need folks who want to play with, and have met, me... not just my public persona. If a student approaches me to play, I make a food or hang out date between now and when I might want to play, to see if they want to play with me, or earn their silver hanky.
18. Sleep. Or more accurately- re-charge. If playing with someone until 4am will get me more juice than those 4 hours of sleep would, go for it. But really, I was hired to work this gig, and my students deserve me at my sharpest, not complaining that I did not sleep because of whatever reason.
19. Take my crazy to my room, or offsite. Attendees did not pay to see me have a migrane, have a fight on the phone with a partner, or in general not be at least at 75% of my game.
20. Apologize when I fuck up, as soon as I realize I have. Reputations are valued commodities, and having folks bad-mouth me takes away from future earnings.
21. I can not make everyone happy. This is not my job.
22. Fewer things delivered well is often better than hundreds of things delivered poorly.
23. Mid-class is not time for a scene. Whoops.
24. Don't override other people's classes. This is tricky when folks try to hand me their class. I try to say something out loud like “No man, I came to see you, you rock” -it builds up new educator voices and lets me actually sit back and learn.
25. Some people learn by asking questions. This is good. If I don't have the answer and someone else does, I tend to say to the person with the answer “fantastic- can you give us a 1 minute version of the answer” as to not hand my job over.
26. Mild flirting mid-class is okay, trying to pick-up a date mid-class is unprofessional.
27. Not all other educators are professionals, or act like it. Holding others to my standards is not always fair.
28. Dress for the class. Dress in a way that my students will hear my message with- come clothing detracts from teaching (high fetish if not in a class on high fetish, suits with punk audience, Pjs).
29. A fifteen minute diatribe at the beginning of the class on who I am and where to buy my products, in a class that is only an hour long, is not so sexy.
30. Stop apologizing. No one but me knows what the plan was.
31. Students do not need to hear about the details of my health stuff, my parents lives, my recent breakup- unless it has to do with the topic of the class. Even then, they don't need to hear about all the nitty gritty. Really.
32. In discussions, call on the voices that have been quiet if they are game.
33. Sometimes folks just need to be acknowledged, and don't in fact need to talk for twenty minutes.
34. Some folks want to talk for twenty minutes because they feel that no one else has ever heard them. I need to budget for myself my energy level and what I can give- can I give five minutes after class? An hour at dinner? Or do they need to book a private session?
35. Being cornered in a dungeon or on a street to give advice does not mean I have to give advice. I need to stand up for my own rights to have down time off the clock. Just because someone else things they need something from me, does not mean I am obliged to give it to them.
36. I have to pay the rent back home.
37. People form lop-sided connections with those they think they know. When your shit is on the web, you have written books, you teach classes, you do shows on the details of your life- people think they know you.
38. Stalkers are a strange, and sometimes lovely, and sometimes really creepy, phenomenon. I try to handle stalkers with love, and if they are obsessed with me, give them something to do with that energy (I told someone who was convinced I was the reincarnation of his wife that I was not prepared to have him in my life, and when I was I would let him know, but until then he should do charitable work in his deceased wife's name).
39. I don't know everything. Faking that I do does not serve folks. Downplaying what I do know does not serve folks. Be me, with grace and wisdom, and what I don't know, give clues that I do know of where to look.
40. Take time to laugh.
41. Get away from the work when in a city and at least see something or do something.
42. Be honest about my needs.
43. If my feathers get ruffled, handling it with grace and telling the producers about it behind closed doors, or passing on a message about it, is better than bad-mouthing them publicly.
44. Think twice before sending emails with no sleep.
45. There is often more than one party responsible for miscommunications. Look in the mirror, look back, see what might have been misunderstood.
46. If I am unhappy with something, it is my responsibility to do something about it. I have the choice to just bitch, but it rarely resolves the issue with grace.
47. Allies. Who you’re not necessarily having sex with.
48. Bring pieces of home with me on the road- a scented candle and my own stereo system make a world of difference.
49. Go to classes and learn. Go to play parties, watch and learn. Read. Listen to folks whose opinions I disagree with. Have civilized conversations. In short, never think I have the whole answer and always be open to learning new stuff.
50. If I mess up in a class, own it. Own it, but use it as a teaching example. Okay, so I hit Casey in the head, breathe. Breathe, and take care of Casey- then point out everything that lead to that, and how folks can avoid it.
51. I would personally rather teach folks how to do cool shit themselves than show off how cool I am. Some events and students would rather that I do the latter. I must remember that the latter has value, in that entertainment inspires the masses to greatness… and must ask producers if they are asking for education, entertainment, or edutainment from me.
52. Lift from your knees.
53. Filing systems and labeling systems in phones and on email are incredibly helpful. I feel like an ass when I go “Who?” and it turns out that they have paid me money in some capacity, I’ve had sex with them, or both.
54. Students will watch my scenes if I choose to play in public. If I am not following my own rules laid out in my classes, making it clear that I am not just fucking up is kind of important, lest my whole message be thrown away. If I am doing an over the top scene, folks who feel they know me well because they have heard me tell personal tales might think they can join in in some areas. It is my responsibility to ask a DM to control this issue, or make it clear that this behavior is not cool for me.
55. Celebrate the good stuff that has happened. If just for a moment. (I forget to do this sometimes, and swarm forward to the next thing that needs done)
56. Ask for help when overwhelmed, or before I get there. Assistance can sometimes come from the unlikeliest of places. This is also why I keep an Amazon wishlist- folks send me random presents and I feel on top of the world.
57. I teach people, not curriculum. If I obsess about the content of my class to the letter, rather than noticing that I lost or bored my audience five minutes ago, no one gets anything out of the class. Okay, so it was supposed to be an advanced speed bondage class… well, 18 of 20 folks don’t know how to tie their shoes. Rework, pull the 2 advanced folks to the side and offer to show them cool stuff after class.
58. Not everyone speaks my same shorthand. Spell out my acronyms the first time I use them, often in a way that makes even folks who did not know them feel like they knew them (learned from Lemony Snicket)
59. Carry a pocket watch. Events often don’t allow phones, or forget to give the room a time piece.
60. Bring a back-up of my class notes. The number of times events have forgotten to print my stuff, and those were supposed to be my notes… is high.
61. If I don’t have a goal/plan for the class, I rarely am able to have it deliver a clear message.
62. Running overtime beyond a few minutes is not so good when someone else has to take that class space next. They need set-up time too. Move the conversation into the hallway.
63. Not everyone is of my politics, orientation, gender, life history, culture, etc.
64. Be clear on my class descriptions and titles. If it is going to be Rope for Sex, talk about Rope and Sex, not 30 minutes of gender politics.
65. Trust my gut reactions- my body has a lot of wisdom in it, and is often picking up on cues my conscious mind is unaware of.
66. Learning local lexicons for common terms in the community helps my message get heard.
67. Pack a vibrator or other solo-sex toys. If no one else plays with me, I can still play with myself and not feel “cheated” in having helped “all these other folks have great sex but no one wants me” or other crappy stories my brain tells.
68. Never truly believe I can’t do it, whatever it is.
69. Drink more water.

What lessons have you learned as an educator, sexuality human, etc? Let’s learn from each other, brainstorm stuff… both so I can brainstorm a class for LLC 2011, and so that we can each learn from each other instead of being doomed to repeat the same mistakes each other have made.