PS012 - PS013 - November and December Podcast Updates
I have been having health and life adventures, and thus have let the past two podcast announcements slip through the cracks... so here we go!
Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9954
November 20th; Giving Thanks: This month, Lee Harrington spends some time giving thanks- to his tribe and more, and asks in turn what you are giving thanks to in your sexual and spiritual journeys, and beyond. Thanks becomes an awareness of capacity, stories of identity, and how our identity is often wrapped up in what we think we "should" want. Perception becomes thanks once more, and a bit of sacred sensual poetry is thrown in for good measure!Lee, however, wishes to apologize for getting totally ahead of himself. In the podcast he references that when the podcast goes live it will be just after thanksgiving and it will also be on his birthday. He realized a few hours after recording that this is not the case, and that there is an extra week between... so happy Thanks Giving everyone :)
Episode: https://shows.acast.com/660e243b2f834f0017de9181/episodes/660e2440acbcaf00174d9953
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[music intro]
Announcer:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening, an exploration of all things erotic. Every Thursday, your host, Dan and dawn, share with you their experience and insights on kink, power exchange, and erotic life, as well as bring you interviews with exciting people from various lifestyles. Then every Monday, you'll hear from our various guest hosts. These nationally known educators bring a variety of experience to the mics and share with you an ever increasingly diverse world of alternative life.Erotic Awakening is intended for mature audiences. If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.
Lee:
Hello, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, and welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington.Here on my monthly show, appearing on the third Monday of every month, I've been exploring everything from sexuality to spirituality, authenticity and bliss, to raucous orgasms and identity, and everything else in between. And if people are interested in listening to past podcasts, feel free to go over to my website at passionandsoul.com.
It's been a whirlwind. For people who don't follow my blogs and things like that, it's been a really intense four months, to say the least. And here we are. Here we are at the end of November. And by the time you hear this at home, Thanksgiving is going to have passed. But I personally record these podcasts a few days ahead of time, and this past weekend, I actually had a pre-Thanksgiving dinner over at my in-laws’ place.
Right now in the kitchen, there is the smell of turkey broth boiling up, as I smell it fill up the air. It was a crazy, crazy Sunday. My Boy and I going over to his mother and her family's gathering spot. The culture of being plied with food, and then more food, and hey, how about you have some food, just in case. A culture that I appreciate, but one that I've never really understood in my heart of hearts. So that idea of like, “Oh, did you not like that one thing? You didn't have seconds of it.” No, I didn't have seconds because I'm concerned my stomach is going to distend!
No, I never really understood that culture, but at the end of the day, we're all part of different cultures, right? Whether we call it Thanksgiving or Christmas, even if we don't happen to celebrate the different holidays.
But I recently was reading a post by a friend of mine, Ruth Addams, whose new book just came out: A Gift of Maggots, a devotional for Baphomet, who is the goat-headed, round-breasted, hard-phallused deity.
And I was reading something that she posted on Facebook and talking to her a bit back and forth on there, about the fact that Thanksgiving is not about the food, it's not about the turkey, or the tryptophan coma that you're going to have afterwards. It's about giving thanks.
And so I want to take a few minutes, maybe a little bit longer, this time around, this podcast around, to talk about the notion of thanks. To share some thanks, to think about thanks, to consider the notion of not just thanks, but thanks giving.
So I want to start with the notion of thanksgiving with a really beautiful email that I got from a listener. It actually said at the very top of it, “Ask Lee,” and then underneath it said, “well, actually, it's more of a thank you, but you know, you know” - which made me laugh out loud. For folks who don't know, “Ask Lee” is a column that I do in my podcast, as well as on my website, where people can write in and ask just about anything.
And she wrote me a note that said, “Hi, I listen to the Erotic Awakening group of podcasts, and I want to thank you for talking about chronic illness. I have a genetic disorder that was only diagnosed about two years ago. I'm a sub, and my master is my primary caregiver. So I know our situations are different. Asking for help has been one of my biggest problems, and I really appreciate your words on that. My Master has fibro, and I try to take care of him when I can, or at least make my needs as minimal as possible so as to not tax him. There was a lot I thought about saying, but perhaps a thank you is enough. Thank you and take care of yourself the best you can, and I wish you well.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this note. It's been a challenge, to be vulnerable. I haven't been sharing a lot of details of my medical stuff, because I don't personally think it's a lot of people's business.
It's my story. It's my journey. And it's hard to say that out loud because I'm the person who's been blogging publicly about my entire life since 1998. I've been putting it all out for the world to see, and every day that I consider not sharing it anymore, where I go, “Nope, nope, that was the last public thing. That's it, I'm going to go take my toys and go home.” And then I get these little posts and these notes that say, “no, really, it's worth it.” It's like the universe giving me a little thank you note on the back of my head saying, “no, really, it's worth it.”
And I'm still struggling right now with health challenges. I'm being incredibly grateful… I'm being incredibly grateful right now for a lot of different things. But we'll get to that in a second.
And it was really interesting for me, reading this email, to talk about the notion of - how she was talking about the notion of having two people in a house who have health challenges, and how that affects relationship, whether it's a Master/slave relationship, a monogamous relationship, a polyamorous relationship, our health - our physical health, our emotional health, our psychiatric health, our spiritual health - these things all affect us, and not just us, but those around us.
And so for me, when I have a day, or a series of days, or lifetimes, where those things are good? I want to give thanks, because there are times when that's not the case. Where my health, your health, someone else's health, affects the rest of the world. It's a stone being thrown into the pond, and the ripples rippling out. It's one of the reasons that taking care of our own health first, helps make everything healthier.
We can't change the world if we can't change ourselves. We can't heal the world if we can't heal ourselves.
And yeah, sometimes it's a heck of a lot easier to go out there and try to heal someone else. And you know what? It's a stopgap. And it might even really help that person. But I wonder sometimes, for those of us who are compulsive givers, who are those who need to please, for those of us who cannot look at ourselves in the mirror. You know, the classic Michael Jackson trope of “I'm talking to the man in the mirror, I'm helping him to change his ways.”
I wonder for those of us who haven't been talking to the man in the mirror, what that would do to us, as sexual explorers. Instead of trying to our partner every single time and saying, so how do you like to be touched? To actually pause sometime and say, how do I like being touched? Instead of making assumptions, over and over again, based on how we've been touched in the past by others.
If you were not pleasing anyone else, if it was not for anyone else, how often would you want to have sex? If it were not for anyone else, how would you want to be touched? If it weren't for identity, how would you want to feel sensation upon your skin? I think they're worthwhile questions to consider.
And when I look at this email, I was also really touched by the notion of “make my needs as minimal as possible so as not to tax him.” [breathes deeply] Wow. Wow… I know that one. And thank you for saying it because it struck a chord inside me. It struck a really deep chord inside me.
And there are times when we perceive that we are challenging, where it is perceived that we are needy, whether it is in the bedroom, or whether it is when we are praying, or whether it is when we are unhealthy, or whether it is when our bodies are simply not living up to the job.
I was talking to someone I know recently, and she mentioned to me that she was working on saying to God that she wanted to be able to live with her pain. And I said, “Wow, that's intense. Tell me about that.” And I needed to ask “tell me about that,” because in my head, I had the whole Arrested Development song of “the word cope and the word change are directly opposite, not the same,” like, whole kinds of ‘90s action going on there.
And she told me that she used to say, “God, please stop hating me.” And she realized that it wasn't about divinity hating her at all. It was about her trying to learn how to live with herself and actually receive the bounty - whether it is from deity, or God, or us blazing our own trail up the mountain of our own lives and down, back into the valley and across cool, clear streams.
Whatever you call it, right? Whatever we call this thing, there it is.
And to hear her say that, to hear this other person email me and talk about the idea of trying not to tax anyone, it reminds me of a really cool book, that if people have a chance to check it out, please, please, please do, called Pronoia, or just hop on the internet, I'll include these in the show notes. A book called Pronoia, which is the opposite of paranoia.
Paranoia is the idea that the world is conspiring against you. That all of the facets of reality are trying to make your world a harder place to live. Pronoia works in the equal but opposite reaction direction, where the idea is that no, no - that the world is conspiring for you, that the world is conniving for the possibility of your greatness and your best interest in mind.
What would happen if we started looking at ourselves from a place of pronoia? What if I were to start looking at my life from a place of pronoia? That no, really, this stuff is happening in my world right now. The challenges, and the hardships, and the excitement, because I need an opportunity to not be on the road. That I need an opportunity to stay home for a few months or a year, whatever it ends up being, where I'm now going to be turning to doing gigs less than once a month, where between the end of November and the beginning of February, I'm not going on the road at all. I'm staying right here in New York City, right here with “Nick” - NYC - who I'm slowly getting to know.
Everything has the capacity of turning lemons into lemonade, of finding meaning amidst all of this stuff.
Captain Gordon Staub, who not only is my tattoo artist, which makes him fantastic, but is also an amazing educator, and fire performer, and profound ritualist. He did a ritual recently for Dark Odyssey Summer Camp, which I arranged all the programming for, but due to health reasons, was unable to attend.
But I heard from a couple of people afterwards that the ritual was really intense and beautiful. And the ritual was comparatively simple: lift up a lemon. There, that lemon there in front of you, that you have drawn from this bowl, this lemon from the bowl, imbue into it all of the lemons of your life recently, all of your illness and sorrow and suffering and challenges. Hold it up. Hold it up, and envision it there.
He then had people - with completely clean procedure - pierce the lemons, string them onto lines, and then pierce into their chests or their backs and hang the lemon from their body.
Around the fire they danced, and whirled, and tussled, and swirled, and felt their body move in time with the rhythm of the drums. Lemon beating against skin, lemon swaying back and forth, struggles and sorrows moving back and forth across their heart, across their torso, swinging from that piercing, and pulling, and tugging.
Until finally, they took a glass, and they poured simple syrup into it, and water. And then they took the lemon and cut it open. And they squeezed it into their own glass, into their own glass, took their own spoon and mixed it up, and they drank down the lemonade, literally, as well as figuratively.
This is a thing to give thanks to.
In my own life, I've been working on my own thanksgiving list, and it's… I am grateful for a lot of things. I am incredibly grateful.
I saw a quote recently, and yeah, this is being a pretty “quoting other people heavily” podcast, but it's that: it is not happiness that causes us to laugh. It is laughter that brings us happiness.
And I've been sitting with that notion. I've been sitting with that notion. It's hanging on a wall, in the space that I do yoga at every Tuesday now. And I've been thinking about that.
So as I think about that notion of gratitude - because the reality is, those who are more grateful have been shown to be happier people. And so as I look at that notion of gratitude, of happiness, of laughter, and joy, I've been working on trying to invoke them into my world, step at a time, day at a time.
Some of these things used to come so easy. And I have days where I bemoan that fact, where I lift my hands to heaven and shake and say, “What happened to that happy person?”
What happened to that beautiful being that used to be able to close his eyes and see the gods dancing so easily, instead of now having to curl up in a ball on the ground and prostate myself upon wood floors, and light incense and candles, and focus every ounce of my will just to hear the whispers a million miles away?
And then I pause, and I give thanks, because there I am, healthy enough to prostate my— prostrate myself—prostate? [laughs] Hello! That's hilarious.
To prostrate myself there, upon the wood floor, that I am in tune enough with my own self, my own holy guardian angel, with my own divine whispering, with my own truth, the way that I tap in to all of the world, that I can at least hear those whispers. And this is a gift that not everyone has. And I acknowledge and give thanks that I have this, even if there are other days when I had greater capacity.
A couple of weekends ago, Halloween weekend, I went to the Sacred Sex Roundup in New York, and there was a really profound performance artist there named Zahava. Her website is lovemakingdances.com. And I've known Zahava socially for quite a while, over a year at least. And she's someone who I adore, and enjoy spending time with, and enjoy talking with for hours at a time.
But this was my first time I'd gotten to see her as a teacher. It was the Sunday night, it was the last class of the segment. And Sacred Sex Roundup does it a little bit differently. They have long programs, say an hour and a half, two hours, that run all three days, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But then they have these 30-minute segments as well. So they've got the long segments, and they time up vaguely with the short segments. You end up missing three 30-minute segments if you go to an hour and a half block.
And these 30-minute segments are bam, bam, bam, information, interesting things, oh, didn't you know this? Have you considered this? Kind of… intensity. I was blown away by the fast, informative information that I got in Reid Mihalko’s “Tantric Dating,” for example, which basically summed up to the notion of “please date within your own species,” and by the second date, make sure that you're all vaguely on the same page as to who you are as human beings and what you're both looking for, because otherwise you fall in love and do stupid things that won't actually help you have a long-term reality.
And the piece that really struck me was, just because they are your love of your life and your soulmate does not mean you will live well together, does not mean that you have the capacity to actually live with one another, does not mean that you have the capacity to do a lot of things together. Fantastic, you're madly and passionately in love with each other. And yet?
So there were classes like that that just, bam, hit it right off the bat, but Zahava's hit me in a different way. Zahava's class was on the notion of tying into sensory intelligence. We each have many, many types of intelligence: intellectual intelligence, street smarts, emotional intelligence, and sensory intelligence. If you close your eyes right now, where in your body do you feel stress?
For me, right now, if I breathe… [breathes in and out]
And release.
And breathe in. [breathes in and out]
And release.
I can feel stress just beneath my clavicle, my collarbones, at the small of my throat area. I can feel it down the center of my chest, and on a line underneath my pectorals. I feel it at the top of my solar plexus, but not the bottom. I feel tension on the inside of my shoulder blades, directly at the center, just underneath my third eye, and across the top of my eyebrows. I feel stress in my jaws, I feel it at the back of my ears. I feel it at the pit of my stomach, a little bit, too.
That's where I feel stress. This is sensory intelligence. But she argued that not only is sensory intelligence important, but sensory capacity. And as she described this, my stomach fell. My tears started to well up. I pulled a hankie out of my back pocket, because, hey, you gotta flag everywhere you go, right? I think I was flagging SM top that day.
So I pulled this black hanky out of my back left pocket, start dabbing my eyes, and I excused myself from the hands-on exercises because I just… I didn't have the capacity. And I owned it. I had to sit there with my feelings.
Because she had in front of her - and she is this amazingly powerful nymph of a creature - and she's there at the front of the room, full of her glory and her power, and she's got this clear bucket. Inside the clear bucket is a large vase of water, an empty shot glass, and an empty tumbler glass. And she took the vase of water and said, “This is what life can hand to us sometimes. This is the opportunities, and all of the amazing things, and all of the shitty things that happen out there in the world.”
And I'm totally paraphrasing Zahava. I don't think Zahava would ever say “shitty” in front of a class. Maybe she would, I haven't seen it though. And she poured it into the shot glass, she held it up, and said, “This is a life. This is what a life can take. This is what you right now, or what a lot of people right now, can take in their lives. They…”
And she empties it out for a second. She's like, “And you know, there's that moment where you just put a little bit in, because you had a day at the office. And they put a little bit more in because you had the drive home from work. And they put a little bit more in because you had an intense conversation with someone. And by the time you get home” - and she splashes it over the edge of the shot glass - “by the time you get home, you don't have any space left for any more sensory information. You just don't.”
So she poured that from there into the larger glass, and she said, “You know what? There are those of us who have been working on our sensory capacity” - and, I would argue, our capacity in other directions as well - “that we work on our capacity, and you know what? Maybe what was a shot glass for other people is now for us, only the first centimeter at the bottom of the glass. And we could take 20 of their shots before we reach our capacity, but we'll still reach a capacity eventually.”
“And that there are other days where our capacity is not that high. Where there is ice at the bottom of the glass. And yeah, it might look like you can take as much, but those rocks are frozen right now. And there is no space for as much as you thought you could take yesterday.” And with that notion, I crumpled up, and I sat there, and I was present with my emotions, and I felt myself in awe.
Because I have been that person with the full glass, that huge, big glass that was able to fill, and fill, and fill, and empty out and fill again, with the occasional time of pouring over - but not today. Today I am a being that can feel a shot glass or four.
And it's not bad. It's really not bad.
I had my hysterectomy back in November. And yes, this does transition - if you're startled, sorry about that. But yes, for people who didn't know, I'm a dude, but I've got a cunt, so there you go. And remember, if you got it, check it. So if you got a prostate, I don't care if you're a trans woman. I don't care if you're a woman of any sort and have a prostate. Go get it checked. If you've got boobs of any sort, male or female, go get them checked. Men can get breast cancer, too.
Anyway, off that siderail. Back in November last year, I had my hysterectomy, so we're coming up on a year now very, very shortly. In the next week or so, actually. And when I had my hysterectomy, I had a complete hysterectomy. They got rid of my cervix and everything up from there. And part of it was gender related, but a lot of it wasn't. It was kind of scary.
And as I healed, I had a lot of fear about my sexual capacity. What was I going to be able to take? What was I going to be able to do? Because I had labeled myself, for so many years, as things like a fisting pig. And you know what? My front hole just can't do it really anymore. I mean, I can with small hands, but it's a painful experience now. It's not the same experience it was before, my body has changed.
All of our bodies change. Every seven years, every cell in our body gets replaced, right? And if that's the case, and I've been making decisions based on who I was, and perceptions of who I think I should be, based on what I've been in the past, that's not giving myself credit for the capacity of who I am to be today.
So I was exploring sexually with a lover of mine during my cross-country move, and he slid in one finger, and I went, “Wow, I don't know how much more I can take.” And he said, “How much more you can take or how much more you want?” And I said, “How much more I want.” How much more I want. And we were able to get to two fingers, and that's what my body could do.
And not just what my body could do, it's where my body delighted, which surprised me because I had this whole story about, “This is what my body can do. I guess I'll cope with it. I guess I'll somehow find a way to have it be okay.” But no, the reality is, I delight in being fucked in my front hole with two fingers.
And I hear these stories all the time from people who say, “Oh, well, I can't really do butt sex because all I can take is one pinky finger up my butt.” Does a pinky finger feel good? Are you happy? Are you coming your brains out? Are you coming to a point of epiphany? Are you coming to a point where you're present with your lover? Are you not coming, but you are simply present, with yourself or your lover? If these are the case, then why does it matter if that's “all you can take.” Bigger is not better. Bigger is not better.
Yeah, I can come from a Sybian, and be numb for the next day and a half. Or I can come from the flickering of a fingertip, rubbing gently back and forth along the top of my cock, moving in a rhythmic pattern while someone kisses me. Lightly, ever so lightly. And that, with the right energy flowing back and forth, can feel just as good, if not better. It can give me more pleasure than this big badass thing that might blow my brains out.
And listen to the violence of that language. Not saying it's bad. Yeah, fantastic, you're a big dick slut who likes to have giant things shoved in all your holes. Rock and roll, that's cool. That's fantastic. Not saying it's bad at all.
But I am saying, consider what you actually find pleasure in. Consider what delights you, rather than what you feel you must be able to take. “Shoulds” do not please. “Shoulds” do not help us be our best self. “Shoulds” do not load us up with pleasure that we each deserve.
And I've been sitting with that notion of deserved pleasure, because I am thankful this Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for my partner, Aiden, who you guys have heard on a previous podcast, when we were talking about Mastery and slavery. I am so profoundly grateful to him, for all the support that I've been getting from him, for this amazing apartment that we've found together and created into a home. I am profoundly grateful for my Boy.
I am so giving thanks to my friends, my family, my tribe, for their understanding, their love, their support, of so many different types. Whether it's money to be able to help pay a bill, or Mr. Murphy Blue dealing with my texts at 2 a.m. [laughs] Or whether it is RiggerJay and Ava Amnesia surprising me with a surprise present for my housewarming present - housewarming party - where two weekends ago, three - well, heck no, time keeps flying. A couple of weekends ago, I had a housewarming party here in New York. Invite people to come over to my house, all of that kind of stuff. And I put out the call to a lot of friends, and they were just like, “oh, we'll come, we'll come, we'll come.” And it was pretty packed at certain points. At some points, we had like five or six people, at other points, we had 30! It was a little intense, because we opened up the house from 3 p.m. to 3 a.m.
And I had some really delightful out of town guests. The Judge from Temple of Atonement, aka Rob, was there, who flew in from Austin, Texas, not for the party, but happened to be able to be in town. I had friends that drove up. Ayem Willing and JayLynn from Virginia and Maryland, respectively, who were involved in the scene down there, drove up a day, actually, early, to help us clean up the space, and Ayem Willing's case helped us hang a whole lotta artwork. Thank you, thank you to both of you. And we had people who came down from Connecticut, from Massachusetts. It was quite the crazy party, and lots of people who stayed overnight.
And here I was, late into the evening, probably about - no, not too late, probably about 7:00, when I hear a knock on the door, and I'm just like, “ugh, we put a sign saying, just come on up.” I don't know what's up with that. Aiden runs downstairs, and he comes back up a minute later and says, Sir, you've got a package down there you've gotta sign for. And I'm like, “What the hell?! Really, UPS? Ugh.” And I got really frustrated, and I walked downstairs, and I saw RiggerJay. And RiggerJay is like, “hey, so, I got you a housewarming present.” Spins me around, and there's Ava Amnesia, who he had flown out from Chicago, partially to spend the weekend with, but partially, specifically to bring as a housewarming present to me, because he knew that she's one of the people that can just melt my heart, and can bring me so beautifully into the moment. So I am grateful for friends, family, and tribe.
I'm grateful for my medical support. I had a period of time where it was a sporadic thing, and they didn't know what they were doing with me. [laughs] And I've got an actual full medical support group now, and by support, I mean like the actual doctors in question. I've actually got doctors, yay! Instead of emergency rooms. This is good. And I am so profoundly grateful that I have a medical team, it's amazing.
I am grateful to my dog. His name is Stitch. I am technically… He's technically my step-dog, because he's Aiden's dog, but what Aiden has is mine, so therefore he's my dog too. Because Stitch has been really excellent at making me smile, whether it is by wearing ridiculously large purple bat wings - because we believe in dog humiliation around this house, hardcore dog humiliation play! Or whether it's by curling up with me and watching TV with me on days that are hard. Or simply snoozing with me and, you know, laying in bed with Aiden and I and the dog. It's good stuff.
I am thankful for having mobility and functionality most of the time. I've got friends of mine who are in chairs, or are dealing with migraines that are so debilitating that they have to lock themselves in closets and put on giant sound-isolating earphones to be able to function at all. I know people who - you know, I've got a former play partner of mine who's, you know, paraplegic and has other issues going on, and lives a full and healthy and beautiful life. But right now I am actually grateful for my full mobility and functionality most of the time, because that wasn't there for a while. And I am thankful.
I am thankful for having a beautiful home where the rent has been prepaid for a couple of months. [laughs] Kind of takes that stress off of us, now that Aiden has a job. I am really grateful for this beautiful home. For people who didn't make it to the housewarming party, I'll be posting a link to the YouTube video that we shot, or I shot, of going around the apartment and showing this place that I live at so that people who are curious, “Where does an international sexuality, spirituality educator and author live? What's that look like?” Yeah, you'll be able to find out.
I am thankful for living in New York City. No matter how much I bitch and whine about it, and how expensive it is, I'm really delighted by the sheer adventure of it, the sheer number of opportunities, the fact that I've got like 16 bodegas in walking distance that all have slightly different personalities, really makes me smile. This is the one you go for laundry soap, and this is the one you go to for fresh fruit, fruits and vegetables, and this is the one you go to for electrical equipment. It's great. Mind you, don't ever go to the electrical equipment one looking for frozen ice cream or yogurt or whatever. We bought some and brought it back, and it had been expired for two and a half years. [whispers] That’s not a good sign.
But New York City is being amazing, and I'm actually getting to know the city, and I am delighted by “Nick,” by New York City.
I am thankful for books. And I'm not just talking about the alphabetized book collection. No, I'm talking about the books that I actually read in my hand, the books that my eyes get to devour, and my lips get to read back. I am delighted, for example, that right now I am reading a piece, I'm reading a book by Storm Faerywolf that is called The Stars Within the Earth, that has just been touching my heart rather beautifully. It's a collection of both poetry and ritual work, predominantly within the Faery tradition, and the piece that I want to just read a stanza from is called “Remember the Light in Your Eyes.”
Can you see it?
Remember your origin!
From amongst the stars you were born.
You are the willing vessel of the Gods,
compassion poured upon the earth
like rain that leaves the parched soil
gasping with ecstasy.I think that's beautiful, and thus I am grateful for books.
I am grateful for music. I am grateful for the Netflix account that my sister Tara gave me. I am grateful for good food - or food in general - but food that leaves a memory on my tongue.
I am grateful for social media that keeps me feeling connected with everyone even when I'm not traveling, which is most of the time nowadays. I am grateful for social media because it makes me feel like you're all here with me, in my home, having a conversation with me over a glass of sangria or… lemonade, that we've made out of the lemons of our lives.
And so, thus I am thankful. I am thankful for another turn around the sun, because as the day that this goes live, I'm going to be turning 32. Because on November 28, 1979, my mother pushed me out into the world around 2-something-a.m. in Lowell, Massachusetts.
And amidst all the chaos, the fears, the tears, the uncertainty and the pain - and the joy - my life blossoms and it's blooming and we're dancing around the sun again. And it's good! It's good. Even if some days I get to fake it till I make it, it's good.
Because as I sit here recording this, with turkey broth boiling in the other room - or I should more accurately say simmering, because you don't boil turkey broth other than the start - it's good.
Even though we're in the shadow of the year, past Samhain and into winter, the Holly King holds his own, and somewhere out there his lover, the Oak King, will write love letters to his brother and his twin flame. Then, when their lips might meet again, it'll be spring equinox, and we'll see them in their full glory.
But until then, we give thanks. We say thank you to our community leaders for their hard work. We say thank you to our coworkers for the little things and the big ones alike. We say thank you to our family while we still have them, because when they're gone, it's not quite the same thing as saying thank you to them now.
We say thank you to our tribe, our friends, our allies, for everything they've done. We say thank you to our lovers for the passions and truths they share with us, and the secrets of yours that they're holding safe in their arms.
We say thank you to the beautiful planet that we have beneath our feet. We say thank you to the sky overhead, and we say thank you to the stars that we’re dancing underneath, because we need to give thanks.
And remember to give thanks to ourself, as well, because sometimes that's the one we forget. In fact, I would argue, we forget it on a regular basis.
Thanksgiving, at the end of the day, is not about Pilgrims landing on Plymouth Rock, or Plymouth Rock landing on the native folks of this land. It's not about pumpkin pie, or the corporate consumerism of such things bottled up in pumpkin spice chai latte, no matter how tasty you think they are.
Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. And in this moment, I am thankful for you and to you for listening.
My name is Lee Harrington, and if you have any questions around sexuality, spirituality, or really anything else you're moved to talk about, feel free to drop me an email at Lee, L-E-E, at passionandsoul.com with the subject line “Ask Lee,” and I'll either answer it here on the podcast, or I'll answer it somewhere on my column at passionandsoul.com.
You can find me all kinds of places on the web. If you type in Lee Harrington or PassionAndSoul as one word, on fetlife.com, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, DeviantArt, all those kinds of places.
And thank you, fellow adventurers of sexuality and spirit, for joining me. This has been Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. And until next time, stay cool, have fun, be authentically you, and don't do anything that you are not called profoundly and deeply to do.
Have a fantastic journey.
December 10, Circles of Kink: In this episode of Erotic Awakening, Lee Harrington interviews Lady Pandion, Scott (Silent1), Doug (yojimbo), Preston and Becky, after the 6 of them were part of the Sacred Kink intensive “Circles of Kink” in Ft. Myers, Florida. The conversation dances from event debriefing to personal exploration, fiber magic to intention building, community to connection, costumes and candles, and so much more. Join this herd of seekers and kinksters, shamans and healers, switches and witches as they dive into their hearts and share them with you.
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[transcription note: voices have been attributed to speakers as closely as possible]
Dan:
Even though it's Thursday, it's a special bonus Lee Harrington podcast.[music intro]
dawn:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening, an exploration of all things erotic. Every Thursday, your hosts Dan and dawn share with you their experience and insights on kink, power exchange, and erotic life, as well as bring you interviews with exciting people from various lifestyles. Then every Monday, you'll hear from our various guest hosts. These nationally known educators bring a variety of experience to the mics and share with you an ever-increasing diverse world of alternative life.Erotic Awakening is intended for mature audiences. If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law, we recommend you stop listening right now.
Lee:
Welcome to Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. In our third Wednesday of the month podcast, you usually get to hear me talk about all kinds of things, from sexuality to spirituality, authenticity to our own personal journeys. But this time, it's gonna be a little bit different.I'm finding myself currently in Fort Myers, Florida, on a grand adventure getting to connect with some really fantastic people, and I've been able to herd a whole group of them into one room, which is almost unheard of, and it's absolutely fun to be able to bring people together and have some great conversations.
So what I'd like to do is go around the room and have everybody kind of introduce themselves so that our listeners at home have an idea of who I'm interviewing today.
Scott:
Hi, I'm Scott. On FetLife, I am Silent1, that's silent with the number one.Lady Pandion:
My name is Lady Pandion.Lee:
Yum.Doug:
I'm Doug. On FetLife, I'm yojimbo.Lee:
Love it.Preston:
I'm Preston.Becky:
I'm Becky.Lee:
And all of us have spent this last weekend doing an event called Circles of Kink. So Lady Pandion, this is your brainchild. So do you want to share with everyone at home what the idea was?Lady Pandion:
Well, I think that the idea was, after meeting you and seeing how you blend BDSM and spirituality, and with some of the spiritual paths that I have taken in the last couple of years, I really felt like some of the connection that people do, in the art of S&M, is missing a spiritual element. And I really wanted the opportunity, as inspired as I was, with you at Fusion last year, I just knew, after I left that event, that I needed to bring it here. I was inspired. I - was a calling almost to bring you here, bring our friends together, our families together, and try to connect on a whole different level. And I think we've done that. I think everyone's happy.Lee:
Well, and we had about what, 40 some odd people?Lady Pandion:
Yeah, about 48 people by the time we were done.Lee:
Nice.Lady Pandion:
Yeah, I mean, coming and going, I would say.Lee:
And from all over the place, too. We had folks that came up from Miami.Lady Pandion:
Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, North Carolina. [Lee laughs] I know! So they drove from hours and hours to be with us. And they did it without really knowing what it was we were going to do. They did it faith-based, really. They had faith that, when they got there, that what I had experienced, they would experience, you know, just in my storytelling of our experience together.Lee:
Yeah, because for a lot of people who have either worked only in the Pagan community or only in the BDSM community, there is some confusion about, like, well, what am I going to get out of this experience? And why? Why do we even do this?Lady Pandion:
Absolutely. And I think that energy exchange is very powerful. It has many names, It has very many walks of life, but I think that you can really blend the two together. And I think that what we found this weekend, in Circles of Kink, is that the circles that we have, you know, we all encircle one another. And sometimes we do it on different trajectories. But I think that we see that we're really all on just one.Lee:
Yum. I love that idea. - Please! - I thought you were about to say something. Well, one of the things that you also mentioned to me ahead of time was that as you've been getting feedback from this event, you've been getting a couple of reoccurring themes in the feedback so far.Lady Pandion:
Yes. Thought-provoking, you know. One gentleman said to me this morning that he's been in the lifestyle for 20 years almost, and what else could he learn about rope [Lee laughs] that he hasn't learned from, you know, MasterTattoo and so many others that he mentioned just in passing. And yet the rope magic and intent with knot, he never considered that. In fact, he runs a TNG down here. And he said just the night before our event, they had a TNG rope event. Completely different thing. Lots of knots - but not the kind of knots that...Doug:
Well, I think what you were trying to do was not to make it about what can I learn about rope. It wasn't about rope, It was about the intent in you and what you're doing. The rope was a tool in your intent and your emotionality, it was a tool for contact. And therefore you could do the same thing with everything from a whip, to your hand, to whatever else. And a lot of people unconsciously feel or sense or tap into things, but they can do it better, or understand it better, or pass it on better if they talk it out, and can have somebody like Lee in front of them saying “This is what you're going through. This is how you better focus.” These are some of the different areas rather than just this odd sensation you're getting and just kind of...Lady Pandion:
You gave us tools.Lee:
Though it was interesting, we had one person, especially in the fiber magic class, who halfway through was like, “so, wait, this knot stops energy and this knot continues energy forward, why is that? Why can't you use this to make energy go forward and this one to stop energy?” And I just had to pause and think about it for a second and go, well, because this is my tool set, this is my linguistical system. And to be honest, I hope that person goes and makes their own system.Because it's kind of like you were talking about, Doug, you were talking about that idea of you can apply it to whips or you can apply it to bondage. You can make it your own, and I think that's a big part of either profound spiritual experience from any tradition, or of sexual exploration from any tradition, is that, yeah, you can copy from the person who came before you, but what are you going to do?
Doug:
Spirituality helps you tap into whatever you need to, and that's why it's different for everyone. That's why some people use the more traditional faiths, some people use Paganism, and some people use whatever they use, Zen Buddhism or whatever, to allow them to bring themselves into those experiences more than anyone else. That's why it's got to be different for everyone.Lee:
I know, Becky, you were talking earlier about the fiber magic class and some of the thoughts that you had out of it.Becky:
Absolutely. I've done fiber magic for - it seems - ever. [Lee chuckles] As a little child running around with a string, and to be able to take something that I'm very invested in, which is my spirituality, and something else that I'm very invested in, which is my kink, and to see both of those things collaborative in this… almost in a way that I can see, but I hadn't really brought to myself before? To know that I can do knot magic while I'm binding someone, and even though those binds are going to come off, that magic is going to continue. And to think that my scene might be temporary, but my intent and my will to the universe is going to continue.And to see that in reality… we've all done an overhand knot! I've tied my shoes every single day, but you just said it in the right way that went, “you know what, I've done this and I've stopped giving it purpose.”
It's the thing you do to stop the rest of your ropes from sliding. It's the thing that you do.
Lady Pandion:
It's just the knot.Becky:
It's just the overhand knot to make whatever it is.Lee:
But I think that applies in a lot of other stuff we do. How often, for myself at least, how often has it become, you know, “it's just fucking.” Or, you know, it's just, you know, hopping on the internet and sending an email. If I actually sit there and think about the profundity of what it takes to have my words go “click, click, click” in front of me, and it sends a message thousands of miles to someone else who can go “click, click, click,” and suddenly we're having communication. It's made of magic!Becky:
It is.Lady Pandion:
It's instantaneous.Lee:
Yeah. And please, you're...Doug:
I just spent about six weeks learning about networking, so when you said that, I translated exactly the electronic process of what happens when you send a TCP packet over the internet.Lee:
And you're a nerd, and this is why we love you.[all laugh]
Doug:
But it's still pretty magical, because the sheer amount of ways that it can get there, or not get there, as it were, is massive. Once you've seen what the network kind-of looks like, and then you know that under that network diagram, there's another network that's just too small to see from above. And that really applies to people as well.Lee:
Absolutely.Doug:
That the fiber ritual that we did at the beginning, where everyone tied off onto the ring, that network, no one could really foresee how it would end.Lee:
So for folks - since you guys weren't there for it - actually, do you want to give a description? Since you came up with a ritual, a ritual for Fusion.Preston:
Well, for the ritual, we created a Unity Web. A circle that was then linked together across the circle. To try to describe it is very difficult. Each person had their own thread, and these threads intermingled, and connected, and overlapped, and tied to one another, and broke each other, and tied again. Eventually we had a big beautiful sigil that got hung on the wall.And to me, it's a reminder that whether it's the computer network, or the network of people, or the network of the biosphere, or the network of all the spheres of the planet, and how the elements and the compounds combine, it's just layers of web upon web upon web. And for me, the spirituality is… to be able to take a moment and peer into the web. And to do things with intention means to not… not believe in a cloud of haze, but rather that there is a web. And what my actions are here, have an action on many, if not all, other parts of the web.
Becky:
If I may? So, I strung mine across first. The circle had nothing in it, and I went from south over to you guys.Lady Pandion:
Yeah.Becky:
And I had the straight line, so I got to see as 40+ people crossed all their lines over mine, or didn't. And how at the end, my one straight line, my intent, my shining beacon into the future, was pulled this way, was wrapped around this way, was being bundled up by Elmo's guts.[all laugh]
Lady Pandion:
My blue fuzzy robe rocked it on that wall!Becky:
It did.Scott:
Inner mystery there.Becky:
And how all of these people touched me in some way, and touched my line and my intentions in some way. And how my original purpose, whatever it is, if I have a goal, whether it's magically or whether it's sexually, I can have this plan and it goes straight into my future. But in fact, I'm touched by everybody else, by everyone's energy.Doug:
Still made it from this point to that point.Becky:
Absolutely did.Doug:
Even though it might have to twist and turn.Lee:
Let it meander a little bit. And I know, Scott, you were talking before about how, as someone who works within a Northern tradition perspective, that it was interesting for you to see the runes start to appear in the web, as you were bearing witness to that ritual.Scott:
Right, sure. As people would choose a path, some of them, unconsciously, would choose to walk or travel in a runic pattern. And I'm sure if I knew other runic systems, I would have seen patterns there as well. Or if I knew how to interpret kanji, I might see that. So even that is, that's my divination out of someone else's patterning. And so what kind of a divination is that? It's like watching birds. Birds don't fly in that way for you.Lee:
I love that. Since you guys can't see it, Becky's had this smile across her face a mile wide as we're talking about birds.Becky:
Yes, wow.Scott:
Coming from a somewhat different perspective: I think that the tool of the rope, and the tool of the spirituality, it allows you to not only network, it allows you to show, I believe in a lot of balance. And I think it's just as important for you to step back and realize that you're a very small part in the universe, and yet you have a lot of effect on things around you in the universe, and yet there are times you also need to be the only thing in the universe.So when you're shining shoes or doing boots, or when you were doing your knot magic and doing your nine knots on a rope, it kind of almost reminded me back - harkening days of the rosary, you know, that kind of thing. And it's very easy to kind of use the rope with no other people there, as well. And to use it for your own calmness or your own centering.
Lee:
Absolutely. Well, I know you do a lot of stuff with single tails, and having talked with Whipmaster Bob down in Phoenix, Arizona, he's talked to me about the notion that when it's just an artist and a single tail dancing with one another, it's about that moment of focus, and it doesn't have to be about anyone or anything else, it can be about that. And so I'm curious what your experiences are with what you just said to the tools that you spend a lot of time with.Scott:
The single tail, it’s best if you use two at once, or move your feet around. The more difficult you make it, the more focused you have to be. You can't drift, the minute you drift your mind off, the single tail will do what it wants to do and you get bit by it. But my…[crosstalk]
Scott:
My traditions and background also have a lot of individual things that do focus. You know, when I was in the military, or other kind of things that I've done, you put on a uniform. And that was your time to change, as you dress, from one thing to the other, and mentally prepare. You know, or doing the martial arts kind of thing or whatever. It was always a preparation, always a personal discipline where you find yourself and ground yourself.And then even when you - but when you're ready, you go out and you're in your job, you're affecting everyone around you, or you're teaching your martial arts and you're affecting and shaping them. So there's that time when you have to know you, and you have to use those tools to do you, and then there has to be the part of everything else as well.
Lee:
And I love that idea of the preparation and the transition from one thing to another, because I know it was something that we talked about when we were talking about rituals for our relationships, and rituals within dominance and submission. And so I'm curious if any of you have specific things that you use as transitory or transitional tools or rites that you have for - whether it's getting into scene, or getting into a ritual space, either or both?Becky:
Well certainly candles, first and foremost.Lady Pandion:
Yeah. Although in all fairness, if I'm packing to go anywhere, it's candles first, and then clothing and then toiletries. So I mean, it is the start of that warmth, that temperature, that shutting off this, focus on this.Scott:
I’m a costume guy.Lee:
Oh, you're a costume guy?Lady Pandion:
So he'll change.Scott:
Everything's a costume. So if I change depending on what I'm doing, you know, when I dress to play hard, or dress to sub, or dress to go to work or, you know, dress for Halloween, it's 100% costume. That's the start of my changing, when I put on whatever I'm going to do.Lee:
What about yourself, Preston?Preston:
I wear a uniform on a daily basis, pretty much. So - and it does change the way I interact, especially I've got the NCO stripes on, so I have to set a higher standard even than just a soldier. As far as ritual goes, for me, it's not spiritual, there's not something on fire.Lee:
It's not spiritual, there's not something on fire? [all laugh]Preston:
I honestly cannot think of a ritual that I've been to where we haven't -Lady Pandion:
Had fun!Preston:
- set at least Tiki torches.Doug:
Generally, and I don't know if you saw through the weekend, I like to play with the fire, I like to do the fire tending. It's something that not only helps me get into that, “this is ritual” time and space, it keeps me there because it's something that continues. It kind of keeps my ferret brain from squirreling off onto a…oh look, something shiny!Scott:
But are you serving the fire or controlling the fire in your head?Doug:
Yes. It's more, in my head, a partnership. The fire will die without proper tending, so I'm tending the fire, but the fire is also giving back to me this massive rush of energy. And it's very...Lady Pandion:
It's a relationship.Doug:
Yeah, it's a relationship.Lee:
And I love that you brought up the notion of the squirrel brain, because I've had a number of people write me over the last couple of years and talk with me in person, about the notion that they can't ever really get into a scene, they can't ever really play, or they can't ever really do ritual work, any of these contexts, because, well, they're always thinking about lots of other things, and if they can't ever enter into “true headspace,” then they're not actually doing it right. And so it was nice, you know, thank you for bringing that idea up, of finding your tool that helps you be there, wherever there is.Preston:
I tried doing meditations with one of my friends who was a Buddhist. I made it about half an hour before I had to get up and do something.Scott:
I’m the same way. I cannot do Zen sitting meditation. I simply fall asleep. I can't do guided meditation - if I am laying down, I will fall asleep. But I can quite easily do Zen walking meditation because there is that physicality of it.Preston:
Or even repetitive motion, we do the bullwhip as well. Just repetitive motion, and something to help you get in there.Scott:
We need to use what we need.Preston:
To get ready for ritual space, I have the ritual of wearing my cingulum and my cord, most of the time. Certainly if I put those on, then I am peeling away most of my masks, and wearing primarily the priest mask.Lee:
Could you describe what that is and what it means to you, the cingulum?Preston:
The cingulum is a cord. Some Catholic monks will wear them as well. It's just a cord that wraps around you. If you were wearing a tunic or a robe, it would hold your clothing together. And in my tradition, you would be given a red one at your first-degree initiation, a white one at second, and a black at third. And it is directly proportional to certain measurements of your body; it has a masculine and a feminine end to it, so there is rope or fiber magic in it. There's a loop at one end, which is the feminine force, and a knot or a pommel or something at the other end, which is the masculine force. And so to thread them through, you're creating the Great Rite, as you thread them through and create a circle. And then that circle is wrapped around you.The cingulum can be used in knot magic, as well as, in my tradition, you bound various tokens and trinkets as they appeared to you throughout your magical path. So mine has various runes, and beads, and pieces of yarn, and string from various rituals, and earrings that I would find on the ground at a festival or whatever. And so when I first got this bare cingulum, and then as it's traveled with me and become frayed and knotted, and pieces have been added and fallen off, and so on, it changes as I do. And now that I have a white, it's worn with it. And it is fairly plain, compared to the past history and all this, both blessings and baggage that went with the red one.
Scott:
So anyone listening out there, if you have lost an earring at a festival?[all laugh]
Preston:
Call me, I may have it!Lady Pandion:
It's a little tied in!Scott:
Send us a description…Lady Pandion:
I don't want to untie it, though, it won't be pretty.Lee:
Well, it's interesting that you talk about the idea of how all of the different levels of metaphor, and different levels of meaning, when you talk about one thing that the outside viewer might just see as a single prop. And one of the conversations that came up this weekend was the notion of a collar, or the notion of different wardrobe pieces that people wear in the kink community, and how those things have layers of meaning depending on who has them. Because for some people, you know, your cingulum is just a piece of rope with a whole bunch of weird shit tied to it.Preston:
Absolutely.Lee:
Yeah.Preston:
Just like the patterns of the birds are just birds in the air - unless that's what speaks to you, and then they have immense meaning.Lee:
Well, one of the things that also, thinking about D/s, one of the other things that we were talking about earlier was that talking about D/s and how it interacts with our faith, the great quote that you actually said, Scott, was that “D/s was a way of practicing perfect love and perfect trust.” And I was wondering if you could, you know, reflect on that a little bit and then have us open up around that notion for the whole room.Scott:
Well, perfect love and perfect trust is… it's much like a koan. It's part of a magical path that I've been on for a while. And it's a phrase that's been printed in a lot of books, but I feel like - my personal feeling is that the mystery of that, and what that really is about, has been lost to many along the book-led path.And perfect love and perfect trust is, to me, much like the Buddhist call to nonviolence, or to not harm any living thing. It's an impossible… an impossible but high goal. So it's about a practice of trying to enact or embody perfect love and perfect trust, and it will never be a perfect circle, but it will be a perfect whatever-it-is.
And so for me, in my D/s relationship, that then is a call of, “okay, this play is a challenge to try out perfect trust.” I'm going to give over all my trust, and I'm going to allow whatever the world gives me, to give me. And the same with the love. It's tough to love all the time, and it's tough to try to have perfect love. And it doesn't always succeed, but the attempt is what it's all about.
Lee:
So, Lady Pandion, since I know a lot of his submission has been to you in recent times, what's it like to dance the other side of that dance?Lady Pandion:
Um…I think at first it was scary, and a lot of responsibility, because my background in BD - in S&M, has been more playful. Has been more dungeon space, and house parties, and let's hang the pretty girl, and do some flogging, and do some figging, and then she comes down, and then… so my lifestyle began more in a party, more than it did the intense exchange that it has evolved to.So if anything, it raises my bar. To not come into sacred space without the right headspace, knowing that he is about to gift me perfect love and perfect trust, or at least try the best that we can in that state of mind to get there together. So… sometimes we fail, and sometimes it's the most magical experience that I've ever had as a top. I'm a switch, I'd say, if we have to put out there, but as a top and also as a rope bottom. Because I'm a tad bit ADD, and it's hard to get me to be still. And so to get past that, and to have that perfect trust that it's okay if I let myself be still, because in perfect love, I'll be watched after.
Lee:
Beautiful.Lady Pandion:
Mmm.Lee:
Yum. Thoughts on D/s and how it interacts with the notion of either perfect love or perfect trust, or some other spiritual and religious experiences?Becky:
Well, as a top that likes to do fire demos on people that I don't actually know, I have to pull from them that feeling of perfect love and perfect trust. I can't sit across from you when we're just starting negotiations and say, if they said, “well, if I think that it's too much of this” or “if I think it's too much of that” or “if I want you to do this” or “if I want you to do that,” as a top, I think, I'm the one who will be the responsible party. And I need you to give me that trust that I know what I'm doing, and I'm willing to take responsibility for the both of us, and for whatever this play is.And it will be in perfect love, in perfect trust. Not because you want me to put fire on your feet, which - we could get there, should that be what the energy says. And just like you feed off of energy when you guys get into ritual space or BDSM space, I have to touch whatever the object is first and “wake it up” with that energy. And fire is the same way. We could have completely impromptu tools, like we did yesterday, that were chopsticks wrapped with crazy stuff and set on fire.
[all laugh]
Lady Pandion:
Woo-hoo, Circles of Kink!Becky:
And we made it work, and I ended up having great scenes from it. But I have to be clear about, when it comes to your trust, I feel that in a religious sense, because it comes with the energy, the BDSM comes with that energy. And if it's going to be D/s, I will take responsibility, but you have to give up responsibility. And that can be impossible. Not just squirrel brain impossible, but it had to be incredibly hard to decide that, “hey, these guys, I'm going to give my life over to.” Well, I have fire in my hands! We're not just at a play party, I have fire in my hands, and I could set you on fire for real.Doug:
Well, I think there's a - and to use the term “degrees” while we're talking about fires may not be good, but there's different degrees when it comes to that. And I think it's a tremendous dichotomy when it comes to S&M and trust, because… especially with new people, I mean, there's some - there's a level of trust and distrust between partners even though it - “have you ever done this before?” I'm not sure we're gonna do that. And you get, you're a little curious about that. Even though you know and trust this person, you've been with them for years.Then there's these people you've seen play for a while, and I've done fire play, and I've watched you've done fire play, and okay, and then there's this stuff - they've signed out their little checklist on the old form, negotiation form, “never heard of it, but curious.” And now you're talking, now they've got to give up that trust to you. And yet they still want to retain a little bit of that and say, “if I get into this mess” or if I… The problem is, is how can they tell you what they're going to be prepared for, or not be prepared for, in a scene that they've never done?
Lady Pandion:
That's reading energy. That goes back to a spiritual level.Doug:
Exactly, so they shouldn’t have any control over it. But they want it, but it's not logical. You can't have any control over it because you've never done it, you don't know what the feeling is like, you don't know what the stresses are going to be. So you're going to have to give this up and it's going to be extremely difficult with new people.Lee:
And in the case of any sort of elemental play, whether it's air flow, fire, being buried alive, being drowned in water, anything that deals with the elements, I find - and one could even argue intense energetic play as a fifth element - that if somebody who is new to that journey jumps back at the wrong moment, thinking “oh, I'm going to save myself,” they might accidentally walk into that open flame, might accidentally choke themselves out, might accidentally drown themselves, might accidentally get in that lung full of dirt, not knowing that by kicking the gas mask off, they've gotten rid of that one layer of protection.My curiosity, though, is that the flip side, how does - if there's a new person listening at home, who's like, “oh, I'm really tantalized by, say, fireplay,” since that's what I hear a lot of experience in this group around, how do they make a decision around when and how to trust, and who to trust?
Scott:
I think it goes the same for any Leather, BDSM, kink community. As well as… I would say as well as any non…“established religious system,” it just comes with having to go through the time spent, and the experiences, to figure out the flakes from the elders. And seeking out the elders, and starting with them, and listening, opening ears, and eyes, and closing the mouth, and doing your time. I lucked out immensely in finding Lynn and Doug so quickly, but I think for most that's not the case.Doug:
Well, most of the people that self-title, I find - and I'm sure I'm going to honk off some people out there - but there's a lot of people that immediately surround themselves with a group, and because they surround themselves with a group of very new people, very inexperienced people, that they now can say, “okay, I'm the greatest on the planet.” And so if you touch anybody in that group, they say “this guy is the greatest” because they have no frame of reference outside of that.But there are people in our local community that have been around for a long time, been floating through the community, and they know… I think it's best for new people not to rely on one person's judgment, float throughout the community, and get the general thing. And to find which groups - I mean, if you're into humiliation, but that's fine or whatever, but we find groups that are playing with a happiness, with a love, and with a joy.
Becky:
Yes.Doug:
And those kind of people are going to be far safer, and far less intent on causing any kind of damage, I think, than the people who are playing for control, or playing to get - release some kind of anger.Lee:
And if we apply this to a spiritual context, I know there have been some conversations this weekend around certain spiritual teachers within, say, Northern tradition practices, where it's like, “that person really resonates with me, this person doesn't resonate with me,” or “that book resonated with me until I read other people's books and realized” - that, you know, we were joking about the incomplete Buckland’s, for example.Doug:
Everything but complete.Lee:
Everything but complete. And so I'm curious, for those who have been more actively exploring a specific paradigm of faith exploration, in this case, Northern tradition working, or, you know, whatever - I'm curious what terminology you would use, but how do you figure out that same question within a faith perspective?Preston:
I think we live in a very interesting and difficult time, because both in the metaphysical, or earth-based, or whatever broad label you want to give it, communities as well as the D/s community. You have the next generation, who are just hungry for experience and knowledge, and ravenous for it, to the point of often making hasty decisions. And you have a really incredibly knowledgeable and wise elder community. And I'm not certain that, always, those two communities speak too well together. I'm not sure that they speak well. I think that we need to create a better common knowledge, a common language.Scott:
True, but the third part of it that we didn't deal with 20 years ago was the overabundance of information that's out there, and that you can't verify that it's good or bad.Lady Pandion:
The internet, yeah.Scott:
Because before, there's always been the economy between the new people coming in and the old people going out, and having knowledge. But now, you click on anything that you're interested in and you don't know what information you're going to get and who you're going to meet.Preston:
And I don't think either side are wrong. I hear, many times, from elders that the younger crowd are not listening. But I also hear, oftentimes from the younger crowd, that the elders have retreated to their bedrooms and no longer come out to visit.Lee:
Or don't know how to speak.Preston:
Or don't know how to speak.Lee:
Just because someone is an expert on something, doesn't mean they know how to communicate it to the next generation.Doug:
Anyone who's gone to college should know that! [all laugh] Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t mean you know how to teach.Scott:
So I have an example of effective communication to the younger crowd. Today we were outside in the front yard with Doug, who was trying to give us some practice on single-tails. And I've been to a few single-tail classes, and I always whip myself in the back of the head, or on the arm, and I'd watch and watch and watch, and listen to what they say. And he came up with one phrase, “neutral buoyancy.” And that phrase clicked, and he has the vocabulary to affect the cause, that really...Doug:
You started cracking and cracking and cracking after that.Preston:
Well, one of the finest martial artists I ever knew, was - his students all stunk, because he was horrible at communicating. Plus, he couldn't bear to fail anybody on a test. So he wanted to be nice, and he's got all these students, great martial artist, and it's horrible that his ability is going to die, and be unable to be passed on, because he can't teach.Lee:
I know you had a thought there.Becky:
A couple of them. I absolutely agree that it was the neutral buoyancy. I grew up in the Arizona Power Exchange 15 years ago, where Whipmaster Bob taught me and taught me and taught me, and I never got it. I saw him at Fusion this year, went to his class, I still didn't get it. This morning on the front porch? Got it.Scott:
And it worked with you, but it might not have worked with someone else.Becky:
Absolutely.Scott:
So you have to have a lot of tools in your toolbox. If you need to teach somebody something, you can't just teach them the way you learn. If you really want to be an effective teacher, you have to learn the way to teach ten different people from ten different walks of life, or you'll only be able to teach somebody who thinks exactly like you.Becky:
The idea is we've got all of these references. We have a great elder community that has the knowledge to teach us, so people that are new to it have to just search around and find those. And if they don't get it from the first person, it's not - don't give up. Because there will be a second person, there will be a third person.Lee:
What I love there, though, that you just said, and I think it needs to become more true, personally, is the notion of an elder community. Which requires that if somebody comes to you, Doug, and says, like, “that's not a good fit for me for single-tailing,” and you having the capacity to turn to the next person and say, “well, have you tried out this other educator? Have you turned to this other resource?”Doug:
Correct.Lee:
Instead of what I find in both the pagan community and the SM community, where there seems to be this hubris, where “if you can't learn from me, you can't learn.”Becky:
Yeah, right.Scott:
Or the other way, the student latching onto - which happens in virtually everything in martial arts, where - this person is a god, they can do no wrong, they can beat up everybody, they can do whatever the heck. And as an instructor or an elder, you have to be able to recognize that and say, “Calm down, this isn't it. Let me point you in the directions you need to go. There's a lot of people out there that are better than me and everything else.” There's a lot of people who mistake dominance, or “Master,” with “master of everything.”Becky:
Of the universe.[all laugh]
Lee:
Of the universe! On that note, what I'd like to have us go around and do is: one last thought. If you could share something from this weekend at Circles of Kink that either struck you, or that you had an “aha” moment of, from this weekend, what would you share with folks?Becky:
My “aha” moment was how easy it is to combine the two things I am very passionate about. And it just takes that little bit of intention to say that I can easily combine my kink with my magic. And have one - even if the scene ends, that magic is going to continue.[all murmur appreciation]
Preston:
It was the combination of symbolism, and working kink and the symbolism of magic together, the story you told about binding the Fenris. And how that can really translate into other activities, like…suspensions over mirrors… [all laugh]Lady Pandion:
Next! [all laugh] Well, for me, because I birthed this event with Scott on the back porch, and having it come to fruition, is that - intent is everything. And when you have vision, and you believe, if you build it, they will come. Will I do it again? I'm not sure. I've sort of been thinking about that today, you know. But the fact that everyone has walked away with something else, to me, is like the greatest gift that they could give me. I'll go through the challenges of doing it again, if that's what the community wants, but that's probably the most satisfying thing, really, for me. So, yeah, it's awesome.Doug:
As befits me and my more practical nature, I think that one of the things that I did notice, more than anything else, was that when I go to a lot of other events, especially ones that are more focused towards an hour class here, and an hour class there, and very different in the different classes that are available… when you do the play at the end of the night and you see the big group play, there's still a small percentage of people actually play, and most of the other people converse, or watch, or chill out, and just kind of visit. And everyone, I think, without exception, in this event at the end, played. And I think that...Lady Pandion:
They played differently.Doug:
They played differently, certainly, as befits them. There was not a big copycat thing. But everyone played, which is at the events in our area, it's very unusual. Usually there's a 10 to 20 percent group that plays and everybody else watches or plays. Even people that have never scened in public, several groups did.Lady Pandion:
I know!Doug:
So, I think that the track - like if you go through, and everything is kind of connected to, you know - you're going to go do a rope track, or a rope 101, 201, 301, and a whip 101, 201, 301, that has a better function to get everybody together. Because not only do they learn the basics, it helps everyone and it puts them all together. So I do like that, and I think it helps to bring them together and recognize them.Lee:
Beautiful. And last one, Scott.Scott:
At the beginning of the opening ritual, we were asked to create an intention. And my intention for the weekend had been to keep an empty cup, to be an empty cup and a bright flame. And I think what I'll remember most is that, as someone who was busy, busy, busy in service top mode, or service - yeah, service top submissive...[all laugh]
Becky:
Yeah, quick I need a something...Scott:
…butler sort of mode, right?Lady Pandion:
Good boy mode!Scott:
Sort of event coordinator, something that I'll remember is the moments when I realized myself not following my intention, and the moments when people brought me back to my intention by something that they would say. Or the moments when I had to remind myself “empty cup, bright flame, empty cup, bright flame.” And when I was enacting that intention, how much happier I was throughout that experience.Lady Pandion:
Wow, that's awesome.Lee:
Yum. And for folks who are interested in learning about what went down at Circles of Kink, the website is circlesofkink.com.Lady Pandion:
And then on FetLife, there's a Circles of Kink group, if you want to join. I'm going to do some posting in the next couple of days, and we'll see where next year brings us. I'm very grateful.Lee:
And thank you, all five of you, for joining me today. Thank you for the interview and sharing your thoughts and your ideas. Hopefully giving people some food for thought, right? Get people thinking, as you were saying before. It's a little piece for people to take home.For folks who want to keep in touch with me, my website is passion, P-A-S-S-I-O-N, and A-N-D, soul, S-O-U-L, .com, passionandsoul.com. Or you can find me pretty much anywhere on the internet by typing in Lee Harrington or passionandsoul.com.
And if you find somebody who writes about dog walking books, it's the wrong Lee Harrington. Please go looking for the one who writes about rope bondage, spirituality, sexuality, etc. Though the other Lee Harrington is a delightful human being.
And thank you again. You've joined us here at Erotic Awakening with Lee Harrington. Until then, next time I hear from you, stay cool, have fun, and do anything that I wouldn't do. [laughs] Don't do anything I wouldn't do! Well, actually do anything that I wouldn't do, too, for that matter. Really, to be honest, do it!
[all laugh]
Doug:
Just do it.Lady Pandion:
Woo-hoo!Lee:
Hail Bliss! And until next time, take care.The answer is yes.
